The Terrible, Horrible, NoGood, Very Bad Night
by Parody Master
Summary: Remember Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, NoGood, Very Bad Night? Now, just apply the same basic principal to everyone's favorite orangehaired vampire...


Author's Note: So, if anyone's wondering if I'm going to continue the story "Fan Mail"…I'm afraid the answer is no. I am completely uninspired. It was a bad idea in the first place and I want to get back to writing other things. I'm sorry. I have commitment issues. However, if anyone wants to continue writing fan letters in the form of fan fiction, feel free, I stole the idea from someone else in the first place. Isn't that what we all do? ;)

Summery: Remember the children's book "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Night"? Yeah. Now apply the same basic principal to everyone's favorite orange-haired vampire.

**Larten Crepsley and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Night**

I woke up to the sound of Darren screaming – he had gotten trapped in the wolf-man's cage, God knows how, and was about to get his head bitten off. I had to move lightning-quick to get him out of there, but in the process I got my best shirt covered in blood and wolf-drool. Very soon after, I found that Darren, as a prank, had replaced my bottles of blood with a prune, raisin, mango, strawberry, watermelon, apricot, streak, and coco-powder smoothie with red food coloring in it that he and Evra had concocted. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad night.

Then before the show Hibernius said I wasn't his best friend anymore. Kurda Smahlt was his best friend, Gavner Purl was his next best friend, and I was only his third best friend. This was turning out be a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad night.

As I waited patiently backstage for my time to go on, (it may have looked like I was fighting back tears as the result of Hibernius's cruelty, but in reality I had something in my eye) Evra came to me and said there was a problem with his snake and asked if I would come help him since I was available. I agreed to it. When I saw her she did appear sick. I kneeled down to get a better look at her, and she threw up all over my shoes, including the remains of the last mouse she'd eaten among the slime. She seemed to feel much better after that. This is a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad night.

I was still wiping at the snake vomit when my time came, but I grabbed Madam Octa's cage and went out there like I normally do. As I faced the audience, music suddenly roared from the speakers backstage. "_Oops, I did it again/I played with your heart, got lost in the game, oh baby, baby…_"

The audience snickered. A couple of men whistled at me. Madam Octa twitched in her cage. I turned around angrily and made gestures at Cormac Limbs, who was grinning at me from the back, to turn off that abominable music. He did so but reluctantly. I saw him mouth at me, "It's your song, Larten!" I snarled in reply. I went through my usual act, but I could not get the same effect I usually do from an audience. This was definitely a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad night.

Later, as Darren and I stalked the city (loud and unpleasantly noisy, not to mention the stinking toxins emitting from the humans' metal traveling machines – so unlike the sleeping cities of the old days) a man came up to me and claimed I'd been with him last night. I calmly insisted that I had not, but he appeared angry to tears. He kept saying how I shouldn't have left like that, why hadn't I stayed, hadn't I enjoyed our time spent together? Between his accusations I kept sputtering that he was mistaken, he had the wrong man, and Darren was staring at us, his eyes round as saucers and his mouth open. Finally the man realized his mistake and left in a hurry, and Darren had the guff to say, "Oh my God! Why didn't you tell me, Larten? I would have understood." He did not stop laughing until I cuffed him round the head. It was still a terrible, horrible, no-good very bad night.

After feeding and returning to the Cirque, we found the wolf man had gotten loose because someone hadn't locked his door right. After we caught and tranquilized him and had him back in the cage, Hibernius placed the blame on me for some reason. "You are usually so responsible, Larten," he's said coldly. "I'd have thought you would be the one to catch something like this. I guess I was mistaken." I protested, saying that Darren and I had been out and so I wouldn't have had a chance to notice, but he shook his head and wouldn't look at me again. It was still a terrible, horrible, no-good very bad night.

With the coming of twilight I retired to my coffin. Only, it seems the wolf-man had left me a little token of his affection on his brief escape. A very disgusting, foul, stinking affectionate token. Because of this, I was forced to take shelter in Darren and Evra's tent since theirs let the least light in. This I found to be a minor annoyance when compared to the other previous events, so I accepted it without complaint. In the middle of the day, however, Darren and Evra came back to rest.

"…do you think he can hear us?" Evra whispered.

"Nah, it'll be okay." Darren stepped over me to come and sit beside Evra on a hammock. My eyes flickered open just long enough to see this and neither of the boys noticed.

"Are you absolutely sure?"

"Definitely."

"Well…okay then."

Darren put his arms around Evra's shoulders and Evra leaned in close to him, and both their eyes closed as their lips made contact, and at the same time I was drawing in breath to scream…yes, it had been beyond a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad night.

Oh, and the reek of wolf-man excrement never completely washed out of my coffin no matter how much Febreeze I used.


End file.
